I’ve not written in a while. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health which I know a lot of people have during this really strange and, quite frankly, massively terrifying time.
I’ve not really wanted to be on social much recently, I’ve not felt like I’ve had anything I want to share or say, and feeling a lot like what I have got to say is not really of any interest to anyone - least of all me. I’m exhausted. I work 12-17 hours a day 6 days a week, and sometimes it just gets too much and I just want to run away and hide. On my days off (which are few and far between) I simply don’t want to leave the house; I don’t want to see other people, I don’t want to be seen by other people and I barely want to see myself.
I’m constantly struggling with who I am, what I want to do and what my purpose is in life. I know we all have one, but I’m still trying to pinpoint mine. I question everything I do every second of every day. I question my passions and interests; feeling that I’m not remotely good enough at any of them or for any of them. I feel like I half-ass my way through everything, even when I’m trying harder than anything. I’m sure there are a lot of you that can relate.
This is such a weird time and the mental health of the general public has taken a massive downturn - we are not and were not prepared to deal with a global pandemic, and the lack of physical human contact, I feel, is one of the major contributing factors to people feeling so down at the moment. I haven’t hugged my mum or dad since February and whilst I have seen them (from a social distance of course), the lack of real human contact has taken a gigantic toll on my body. My anxiety is through the roof again; my stomach drops unexpectedly throughout the day leaving me sometimes desperate for air. My hands shake (not good when you’re tending the bar!), and my insides feel empty.
I spent a lot of time in lockdown doing yoga and looking after our little balcony, and now I’m back at work, I have no time to do this and I’ve put ‘me’ on the back burner once again. I’m not complaining as such. I’m lucky to have a job and even luckier to have my own business (shared with my OH obviously) that is still running even in this strange time. Being a business owner means you have to put in the extra hours and the extra effort, and I’ve never shied away from that, however, with the new (and quite frankly utterly ridiculous) restrictions on restaurants that have been imposed, my stress levels are at a new high wondering if, and when, the whole thing will come crashing down around me. Right now, my health is suffering and I don’t know how to switch off.