Bullies, it would appear, are not stupid and oafish as we are led to believe, but intelligent and able to read people. They home in on those people who are easily hurt and prod and push until they reach the desired effect. Those sorts of people seem to follow me wherever I go. I admit that I am sensitive. Comments people make (mostly with regard to my appearance), which I'm sure others would assume were said in jest, stick with me. They hang around like the smell of garlic, or the smell of damp and loiter around in my brain turning it into my own private Guantanamo Bay. My brain constantly churns up old memories and hurtful comments and, like a bully, prods and pushes and tortures until the desired effect of making me feel like a useless, self-conscious waste of space is reached.
I have been working for the last 16 years, and have noticed it isn't easy to stay in a job for more than 2 years. I have always thought that it was the job I was doing - trying to do more and progress in my 'career' (I use that term loosely as I don't really have a career, I just do a job), and while I think there is an element of it being the job (I really feel like I should be doing something more creative which would be much more rewarding and fulfilling), but really, ultimately, the problem is me. I think I put myself in the jobs I do, not only because I don't feel comfortable to push myself too far outside of my comfort zone, but also because I have a fear of success. My therapist said that I do a lot of the things I do because I am scared to succeed - I don't feel like I deserve to do well in life. I guess this is why I hang on to all those comments people make - the way they make me feel reaffirms the fact that I am not worthy of happiness or love or success, and that no matter how hard I try to succeed on the outside, my inside won’t allow it.
If I torture myself every day, does that make me a bully?
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