This is a strange one. I don’t know if I’ll even post this as I feel like It could be a little too personal, even for me. Also, it’s likely to be such a massive brain dump that it probably won’t make any sort of sense! I know everyone is struggling during this pandemic and there is also a lot to be thankful for during these really strange and scary times, but I’ve definitely found more recently that because I’ve had so much time not working and essentially spending WAY too much time in my own head, I’m struggling even more…
I feel like at the moment I’m piling so much pressure on myself to make myself “something” during lockdown. Like, because I have the time, I should be building an empire, if that makes any sense? I have done several courses over the duration of the pandemic firstly because I like learning and secondly, I guess, to try to make myself “something”. Most of the courses have been photography based as I’ve been interested in photography since I was little - my dad is a keen photographer and he used to turn our tiny bathroom in our little council flat into a dark room at weekends and I would be fascinated by how the negatives were processed and how the images would appear magically on a blank piece of paper after being bathed in different solutions. A number of years ago I bought a Nikon DSLR promising myself I would take up the hobby, but when the first few shots didn’t turn out like I had seen them in my head, I put the camera away. I ended up giving it away as a gift to someone else I thought might get some use out of it. Not sure they ever did to be honest, and whilst I still feel it was a really special gift to give to someone else, I kinda wish I hadn’t parted with it.. When we opened the restaurant, I wanted to spend time doing a bit of marketing and keeping our social media looking great, so rather than just constantly using my iPhone (photos on which never really look the way I anticipate either), I invested in a LUMIX so we could try to get some decent photos. Sadly, all my time was swallowed by actually running the restaurant, so the photography once again fell by the wayside. When lockdown 1.0 started, I decided to do a course to see if I could improve my skills. It was in depth and interesting and whilst I learned a lot, I couldn’t really figure out how to translate what I had learned to my LUMIX (as it’s not a DSLR), so once again, the camera got shelved. Now, in lockdown 3.0, wanting to pick the camera up again I found myself a photography challenge. 30 days of different things to take photos of. Sounds easy, right? Nope. I can’t bring myself to do it. I keep thinking about it. I have ideas for how I want the photos to look, there are effects shots I want to try out, but I just can’t seem to get my ass in gear and pick up the camera. It sits on the shelf next to my Instax (which I also don’t use) daring me to use it, but I can’t. I can’t let go of this terror that I will be shit at it; even though I know deep down that it doesn’t matter and if I enjoy it that’s the main thing, but I want to be good at it! I think there is an element of me that has been interested in it for so long that if I start trying to do it “properly” I’m just going to be useless and get angry with myself and then the camera is going to get put away again. Or worse. I’m also weirdly embarrassed. I don’t want to start setting up the camera and taking weird self-portraits or still lives because I don’t want Tony to look at me like I’m some kind of lunatic. Despite the fact that I’m 100% myself around him and know he loves me, there are certain things I don’t want to do in front of him because I feel utterly stupid and strange. I can’t talk to camera if he is there even though I really wanted to get into making vlogs. It’s nothing he’s done and he’s super supportive, it’s just how my ridiculous brain works. Thing is, the photography thing is just the tip of the iceberg. I feel the same about pretty much everything I do, or want to do. I want to be a wine/spirits expert and writer, and I study all the time, I write notes on every wine I drink, yet suddenly it feels like everyone else is a wine expert and has a million (I over-exaggerate here for effect) followers overnight and those closest to me suddenly seem to have more expertise than me without even trying, and share it confidently and articulately and I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be the expert I want to be. In any field. The question I suppose is this; is it that I am truly not very good at any of these things and I am right to put the camera away and let other people be the expert I wish I was, or is it that I could be good at all these things but just don’t let myself be? I was once told by a therapist that I have a fear of both failure and success and I think this still prevails. It’s easier not to do things because then I don’t have to worry about being shit at them, and equally, if I succeed, I’ll beat myself up over the fact that it wasn’t really me that succeeded and it was all just a bit of a fluke. Additionally, if I succeed and get all the things I want (or think I want), then what? Everything I’ve been telling myself for the last 38 years was a lie and actually I am good at something? Don’t be ridiculous, I am definitely right about the fact I’m useless. And the cycle continues. Strangely, it doesn’t even matter if I enjoy something, I still don’t seem to be able to let myself go. I have always wanted to learn to roller skate, so for Christmas Tony& I bought each other roller skates. He used to skate a lot when he was younger so was, of course, bloody brilliant and I was in awe. (It’s amazing seeing someone who is good at what they do, isn’t it?!). I managed to actually skate but wasn’t exactly good, and even though I had the best time; I just felt like a scared kid who didn’t know what the heck to do with themselves. My knees were locked and my body rigid; uptight and tightly-wound. Thing is, I feel like that every day. I wake up and am petrified of everything I’m doing. I run a people-facing business but I’m still terrified of talking to people. I make drinks, but I’m still nervous I don’t make them very well. I watch constantly for signs that the drink is going to be sent back to the bar to be remade. I talk about wine and I still feel like I’m just making shit up and that one day I’ll get found out. That’s called ‘imposter syndrome’, right? I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. I’m intrigued, however, why we feel this way. Is it “instagram” culture that has forced us to feel like we should be doing more and more and more? I don’t think so. No, it doesn’t help, but looking back, I’ve been suffering with this since before mobile phones. Yes, I’m that old. Where does it stem from? Is it because my older sister is super clever and it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t moved up a year at school? (Not her fault, she’s amazing) Is it because I didn’t like the same music as all my friends at school and got bullied because of it? (Kids are arseholes) Is it because I was, for a short time, a better singer than my peers and they all rallied against me and as a result, wasn’t allowed to be the lead in any of the school shows. (I repeat, kids are arseholes) Maybe it is all these things, maybe it is none of these things and I’m yet to pinpoint the start of the issue. Or maybe I’m just wired wrong. I think we all want to feel special, and like we are good at something. We want to feel like what we are doing makes some sort of difference in the world around us; to find our niche - that thing that we don’t mind doing each and every day even if sometimes it is really hard - but is this just a pipe dream for the majority of us? It’s beginning to feel that way. As usual with these kind of brain dump blogs, this has ended in a different place than it started. Perhaps this is why I’ll never be the writer I want to be - too much verbal diarrhoea and not enough structured prose. Oh, and by the way, the camera is still sitting on the shelf mocking me.
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So I get that this is not one of my usual posts, but felt the need to share. I have a stack of wines to review and I will post those soon, I promise (we were lucky enough to have a fine wine tasting this week, and I will post about each and every wine), but I’ve really struggled to get my head on straight and my arse in gear to do much recently. Anyone else feeling like this lockdown is so much harder than the first two? I’ve definitely felt that my mental health is suffering so much more than it has done before.
I’ve been consoling myself with re-watching (for probably the 50th time) Sex and the City, and I was actually really excited to hear that they are bringing it back under the name “And Just Like That”. (Although without Kim Cattrall’s character, Samantha Jones, as it is a well-known fact that she and Carrie Bradshaw actress, Sarah Jessica Parker do NOT like each other, which I’m both saddened and buoyed by as Samantha was never really my favourite character - although I can’t lie and say she was my least favourite. That was Miranda...) I’m finding it strange rewatching the show now being in my 30’s (worryingly, there’s only a very short amount of time I am going to be able to continue to say that) and still feeling like I did when I watched it when I was 16 - I desperately want Carrie’s wardrobe, her job as a writer (not that I want to write a column about sex, I hasten to add, but I would love to have a weekly [I would even take monthly!] column in a paper or magazine and have the opportunity to write for a huge publication like Carrie does with Vogue and then have my articles released as a book of essays), and a cool name like hers (sorry Mum & Dad; have always struggled with that) - but also realising how utterly impossible their lives are and how much of a horrible cow Carrie actually is! Ha! I still love the show though, and if nothing else, I use it as wardrobe inspiration! The thing is, though, despite the fact that the SATC characters are as fucked up as the next person (if not more so), they are also a group of strong, independent women, who know what they want and go for it and don’t actually let anyone else tell them they can’t do it, nor do they let people tell them what they can or can’t wear! One of my favorite lines from the show is Carrie saying “I wanted to be a writer’ I made myself a writer. I want a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them”. This is kind of a good lesson for all of us I feel; we all hold ourselves back too much. If we want something we should go for it. I can’t help but wonder (see what I did there!) what they will do in this new series now the characters are older and married with kids. After 2 relatively mediocre movies, it’ll be interesting to see the show back on the small screen and where Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda are now and I hope that they can still teach us a few life lessons about being strong women and not just being desperate to find a man! What are your thoughts on the return of show? I’ve always been torn on super visible tattoos. I’ve always loved them, but never thought I would get them, based on the fact that a) I was only ever going to get 1 tattoo (how quickly that changed!) and b) I was in jobs that really didn’t allow for them. The ones on my arms had to be covered, so I spent a lot of time in long sleeves. When I started working for a firm that didn’t care about me having tattoos I began to think more about the more visible places, then when I started working for myself, that thought began to take more of a hold.
After a while of these thoughts going round and round in my head, I simply thought “fuck it!” and I decided to go for it. It’s taking me a while to get use to them, I won’t lie - but I’m definitely thrilled with them. Plus, if anyone does make negative comments about them, I’ll just flip them the finger.
I’ve not written in a while. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health which I know a lot of people have during this really strange and, quite frankly, massively terrifying time.
I’ve not really wanted to be on social much recently, I’ve not felt like I’ve had anything I want to share or say, and feeling a lot like what I have got to say is not really of any interest to anyone - least of all me. I’m exhausted. I work 12-17 hours a day 6 days a week, and sometimes it just gets too much and I just want to run away and hide. On my days off (which are few and far between) I simply don’t want to leave the house; I don’t want to see other people, I don’t want to be seen by other people and I barely want to see myself. I’m constantly struggling with who I am, what I want to do and what my purpose is in life. I know we all have one, but I’m still trying to pinpoint mine. I question everything I do every second of every day. I question my passions and interests; feeling that I’m not remotely good enough at any of them or for any of them. I feel like I half-ass my way through everything, even when I’m trying harder than anything. I’m sure there are a lot of you that can relate. This is such a weird time and the mental health of the general public has taken a massive downturn - we are not and were not prepared to deal with a global pandemic, and the lack of physical human contact, I feel, is one of the major contributing factors to people feeling so down at the moment. I haven’t hugged my mum or dad since February and whilst I have seen them (from a social distance of course), the lack of real human contact has taken a gigantic toll on my body. My anxiety is through the roof again; my stomach drops unexpectedly throughout the day leaving me sometimes desperate for air. My hands shake (not good when you’re tending the bar!), and my insides feel empty. I spent a lot of time in lockdown doing yoga and looking after our little balcony, and now I’m back at work, I have no time to do this and I’ve put ‘me’ on the back burner once again. I’m not complaining as such. I’m lucky to have a job and even luckier to have my own business (shared with my OH obviously) that is still running even in this strange time. Being a business owner means you have to put in the extra hours and the extra effort, and I’ve never shied away from that, however, with the new (and quite frankly utterly ridiculous) restrictions on restaurants that have been imposed, my stress levels are at a new high wondering if, and when, the whole thing will come crashing down around me. Right now, my health is suffering and I don’t know how to switch off. Firstly, if you get that reference, you’re my favourite....!
A little while ago, I wrote about the fact I was having a bit of a "crisis of wardrobe", and I mentioned in the last blog that I felt that post lockdown both my life attitude and style were changing and likely to change more. I realise in doing the job I do, comfort is so unbelievably important, so I've taken to wearing what I would have called (in the past) "old lady shoes" and I'm really starting to re-embrace my 'rock chick' side, obsessively wearing band t-shirts, flared jeans and I want to start wearing (faux) leather trousers again (although not the best idea in my profession, or the current 30 degree heat!). Chunky rings, layered necklaces and the like are really becoming my jam, yet part of me feels guilty for turning my back on my “vintage” roots that I have had for so many years. I started dressing ‘vintage’ in about 2004 when I discovered the one and only Dita Von Teese. I’d been a fan of the styles of the past for a very long time, but seeing someone who dressed like they were in the past all the time was so refreshing to me that I started learning about her and her style and the styles of the 40s and 50s and started to wear clothes like hers. People would question me and laugh and me and so I changed the way I dressed (don’t listen to other people folks, you do you!). I went more 70s, then, following more comments, I went back to the 50s, then I went to the 60s (I used to wear a beehive every day), then (again after more comments), I went back to the 50s. Now who knows where I am!? Too many comments about my appearance in my years of dressing a little unconventially has definitely made me hugely uncomfortable about who I am, what I like and what I am supposed to look like. People can be so cruel. And I can be incredibly cruel to myself. I guess right now I am realising that pigeon-holeing myself into 1 decade isn’t where I need to be. I still love that 50s silhouette. I would choose a knee length wiggle skirt over a mini skirt any day, but I just want to pair that with a punk rock tee and some bonkers jewellery (and sadly old lady shoes) and I don’t want to be judged for that. Some people rely heavily on how they dress to express themselves, and when another human judges them or criticises them for that, they are essentially criticising them as a person. I am quite heavily tattooed (and want to be more so) and the amounts of times people say “well, what are you going to look like when you’re old?” Judgy much??? You may not like or appreciate the awesome artwork I’ve decided to put on my body, but maybe keep that opinion to yourself. And, what I’m going to look like when I’m old is a) none of your business and b) going to be f*cking cool. This has been one of those blog posts that has taken a few days to write as I’ve had to squeeze in writing between working 17 hours a day, being a judge for the Guild of Fine Food, and trying to keep the house in order! I always find it strange going back over a half-written blog as it's impossible to re-find the impetus you had at the outset, so apologies if this doesn’t really flow. I suppose the point I’m trying to make with this post is to do you for you. Don’t let other people tell you who you should be, and even though I can guarantee I’ll spend the rest of my life people pleasing and feeling completely inadequate, I implore you not to do the same. If you dig your choice of outfit/haircut/make-up/jewellery/job or whatever else and it makes you feel really good, rock it, no matter what anyone else says. |
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