I feel like I might be having some sort of existential crisis. Either that or lack of sleep is causing me to go ever-so-slightly doolally (or more so than normal).
Funny that today where we should be celebrating all things love, that I should be feeling this way. I am struggling hugely with self-love. Yesterday I felt incredibly positive. The weekend had been lovely, and I had felt incredibly spoiled by friends and family with amazing gifts and messages of love for my birthday. I was buoyed by this, and whilst I really don't enjoy going to work I was "happily" getting through my day. Suddenly then, a dark cloud descended. I struggle a lot with the way I am perceived and treated; and some comments and demands were made which sadly made me feel very unhappy. I have never been able to be fully contented in a job, always feeling that I am being used/abused but under-utilised. This is possibly partly due to the roles I have found myself in and also due to my own distrust of my ability and potential. I do also think that people overlook me because of my appearance a lot of the time. I have noticed in recent weeks, following some big changes at work, that I feel less and less a part of a team and more and more like either a servant or a useless appendage or both.
Today is a day where I feel incredibly wretched and rubbish. Questioning why I can't just deal with things and be OK. Now, obviously, I know that as a depression sufferer, this isn't always possible but I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a million failures (things I talked about in my previous post above success - see here) and wondering how it came to this.
It struck me as I began to compose this blog, that I seem to only be able to write when I am feeling blue. It terrifies me that in order to be creative I have to feel despair or misery. Creativity is such an important thing, and if it is only ever manifested during times of crisis, I'm scared that as I start to recover from my depression I will lose my creative streak. I used to only be able to write songs when I experienced heartbreak and I seem to only be able to write a blog when I am feeling low. The drive to finish my novel stems very much from wanting to feel like a success at something rather than the desire to write.
It occurs to me as I create this nonsensical stream of consciousness that self-love is very difficult but so important. I believe that many people assume that loving yourself means being overbearing and constantly telling people how good you are (this is actually a good indicator of being very insecure), but self-love is about accepting who you are, knowing that you are the best you that you can be, and not comparing yourself to anyone else (Comparison is the thief of joy after all). Without self-love the way I felt at the outset of this would be the way we all feel constantly (and what another terrifying thought that is). We all deserve love, and the greatest love we can give is love for ourselves as this is the only way we can truly give love to others.