Why do we, as women, take such a dim view of ourselves? I have so many beautiful friends who have such low self-esteem I just want to shake them and shout "can you not see how stunning you are?" It always seems so easy when you tell someone they should feel better about themselves, but it is never that easy to feel it.
It seems to me that we are all so horribly driven by men that we cannot really see our true beauty. I know that every time I have gone through a break up, or a similar boy related rejection the same thoughts run through my mind: "if only I was prettier, smarter, sexier, slimmer, had bigger boobs, was cooler then this wouldn't have happened." We try so hard to fit an impossible mould that we (and the opposite sex) never really see the real person behind the facade. Eventually when we start feeling a little more comfortable and the mask slips a little, we get scared and so do they and it all goes wrong. We assume its because we have shown our true nature and they didn't like it - there is something wrong with us. Yes, perhaps the true colours scared them off, but what do you expect? Having spent an inordinate amount of wearing someone else's shoes (which are clearly only ever meant for sitting down and not for walking or running) suddenly your other half hasn't got a clue who you are. Frankly if they can't take your 'real' side they weren't right for you, but it doesn't stop that awful feeling that you are the problem. Why are we all so frightened to be ourselves, why can't we accept that we are pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough (or even fat enough)? Why do we allow others to influence our lives so much that we simply lose sight of who we are and what we value deep down? As I write this, I can hear you all shouting that I should step down from my soap box, my shoes aren't meant for standing up for such extended periods of time and the heels are buckling under the pressure. I am constantly pretending to be someone else, desperately clinging to the hope that if I look/behave like a certain person I will almost become that person and life will miraculously be better. But who is to say that person has any less issues than you do? They could be just as depressed as you, if not more. Appearances are definitely deceiving. Why, oh, why can't we see ourselves for who we really are and be proud of that person? Proud of all our foibles, idiosyncrasies, flaws and (imagined) rolls of fat? I know it is a cliche, but honestly how can you expect someone else to love or respect you when you don't love or respect yourself? Find your values, live by them, be who you are and be proud of it. I will now climb down from the soap box; the heels have finally given way. Time to buy a new pair of shoes...
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Bullies, it would appear, are not stupid and oafish as we are led to believe, but intelligent and able to read people. They home in on those people who are easily hurt and prod and push until they reach the desired effect. Those sorts of people seem to follow me wherever I go. I admit that I am sensitive. Comments people make (mostly with regard to my appearance), which I'm sure others would assume were said in jest, stick with me. They hang around like the smell of garlic, or the smell of damp and loiter around in my brain turning it into my own private Guantanamo Bay. My brain constantly churns up old memories and hurtful comments and, like a bully, prods and pushes and tortures until the desired effect of making me feel like a useless, self-conscious waste of space is reached.
I have been working for the last 16 years, and have noticed it isn't easy to stay in a job for more than 2 years. I have always thought that it was the job I was doing - trying to do more and progress in my 'career' (I use that term loosely as I don't really have a career, I just do a job), and while I think there is an element of it being the job (I really feel like I should be doing something more creative which would be much more rewarding and fulfilling), but really, ultimately, the problem is me. I think I put myself in the jobs I do, not only because I don't feel comfortable to push myself too far outside of my comfort zone, but also because I have a fear of success. My therapist said that I do a lot of the things I do because I am scared to succeed - I don't feel like I deserve to do well in life. I guess this is why I hang on to all those comments people make - the way they make me feel reaffirms the fact that I am not worthy of happiness or love or success, and that no matter how hard I try to succeed on the outside, my inside won’t allow it. If I torture myself every day, does that make me a bully? |
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